a eulogy

My sister’s not that bad, but , i cannot say that she’s the best. I can only say that she’s definitely my ate, that’s my ate, she is my Ate Gaz. There were times that we are not in good terms, it’s just not complete without that, right? That’s just what siblings are, but as times goes by and without any word we’re already ok. There’s this time that we had a very lame argument, who’s going to wash the dishes that very memorable evening, that was a very long cold war between us, but again, we managed to get along just fine, and, for the first time ever, she said sorry, the first one to say sorry and i did too. We are the type of people who do not do such thing as saying sorry especially to those people that are already close to us, very close to us. My sister is very close to me, very close to my heart.

She didn’t want us to have her a burial, i recall it when she said that when we are having a goodnight talk that we do whenever we are alone in our apartment, she doesn’t want us to mourn that long, she doesn’t believe on 9 days, 40 days tradition of our family. But she absolutely respects all religions especially catholics where our family almost all are. She’s not a muslim or an aetheist, she has a God same as ours, she chose to go on her own path in relation to this matter. She has a bible of her own even on her computer. She wants us to go on with our life, i think she won’t even mind that. But it doesn’t mean that she don’t care, it’s just she cares too much, that much it is even ok and would rather choose for us to just forget about her and move on, she had already had her fair share of enjoying life, i’m saying these things because i, his brother, enjoyed life with her, and it is selfish to wish she was here when she is having a euphoric second life with our God.

How will i end this speech when i am enjoying again a part of my life just talking about her, i’m sorry ate, i know i’ve already said it and it’s not fair to say this, but , i wish you were here.

This was an assignment, in our psychiatric nursing subject. We were assigned to do a drawing on the concept of death and dying and then write a speech about us and who is going to do the speech and what are the things he or she is going to say. I had a hard time choosing among the member of the family whether it is going to be my dad which is impossible, he hides “this” kind of feelings. My mom, quite possible, but i think she’ll not finish it because of crying. My older brother, uhmmm, i think he’ll be the last to know, i’ll even wish wish he’ll never know, i want him to go on with the beautiful things in this world and won’t have a single tear to shed even in a second and be sad and mourn, he had gone too much of the hardships of life, physically, spiritually and emotionally, i don’t even know that actually, i have known just a part of him, i wish i could see more because, shoot me, i’m still alive. So the last choice because i have already no choice at all, my little brother. Nah, he’s just the perfect person to do “the job”. He knows me well. How can i describe how much he knows me? It’s like the 95% of me is very familiar and very well recognized to him.

With this activity, i viewed life as beautiful, not just for the sake of saying it or just a cliché. I decided that if ever possible, i’m going to die, it’s because of accident, not because of disease or suicide where i always picture myself or my heart will suddenly just stops beating because my heart will never stop beating, i can’t imagine myself without the “lub-dub” of my hypothalamic cardiac muscles.

So that’s how his speech, hopefully, will go, but maybe, he’ll do it better if he does it.