Is it not enough just to love you? Yes, i think not In some situations You have to be silent Some things must be shown Some things must be kept hidden
The satisfaction of showing it is Letting go of the feeling The satisfaction of hiding it is The fact that it is hidden The excitement of the unknown The falling feeling to nowhere of uncertainty the bursting feeling of "What ifs" What if What if I wish . . . I could . . . That I would . . . But should I? Can I? Will I?
I was so hurt. We had this activity to put descriptive positive and negative words to our class mates. It is a good thing that at least people has something to say even if it is negative, but, these words are not sinking into me like realizations, they are sinking into me and forming hatred and hurt and anger. “bossy” I don’t even talk that much, I talk only when necessary, well maybe this is what our professor called our blinds or unawareness of some of our personalities. But even if I do, it is for the benefit of everyone because I have to, and if they feel so that way, it’s maybe because they do not want to be or not used to be told to what they have to do. Bossy maybe yeah if I am agitated, so there’s this stimulus who agitated me. “feeling leader”, this fired up my nerves, in the first place, I did not even volunteered myself on all occasions to be a leader. They drop my name and ended up turning unto me as a leader, and so, me, as a voted leader act as a leader and feeling the feel of the being a leader, and do my best as much as I can, maybe it was too much. Darn it, sometimes I just hate people. Maybe that is why there was an invention of robots, and just resorting to just having pets, and just talking to pets, and art, and music and dodgeball.
My sister’s not that bad, but , i cannot say that she’s the best. I can only say that she’s definitely my ate, that’s my ate, she is my Ate Gaz. There were times that we are not in good terms, it’s just not complete without that, right? That’s just what siblings are, but as times goes by and without any word we’re already ok. There’s this time that we had a very lame argument, who’s going to wash the dishes that very memorable evening, that was a very long cold war between us, but again, we managed to get along just fine, and, for the first time ever, she said sorry, the first one to say sorry and i did too. We are the type of people who do not do such thing as saying sorry especially to those people that are already close to us, very close to us. My sister is very close to me, very close to my heart.
She didn’t want us to have her a burial, i recall it when she said that when we are having a goodnight talk that we do whenever we are alone in our apartment, she doesn’t want us to mourn that long, she doesn’t believe on 9 days, 40 days tradition of our family. But she absolutely respects all religions especially catholics where our family almost all are. She’s not a muslim or an aetheist, she has a God same as ours, she chose to go on her own path in relation to this matter. She has a bible of her own even on her computer. She wants us to go on with our life, i think she won’t even mind that. But it doesn’t mean that she don’t care, it’s just she cares too much, that much it is even ok and would rather choose for us to just forget about her and move on, she had already had her fair share of enjoying life, i’m saying these things because i, his brother, enjoyed life with her, and it is selfish to wish she was here when she is having a euphoric second life with our God.
How will i end this speech when i am enjoying again a part of my life just talking about her, i’m sorry ate, i know i’ve already said it and it’s not fair to say this, but , i wish you were here.
This was an assignment, in our psychiatric nursing subject. We were assigned to do a drawing on the concept of death and dying and then write a speech about us and who is going to do the speech and what are the things he or she is going to say. I had a hard time choosing among the member of the family whether it is going to be my dad which is impossible, he hides “this” kind of feelings. My mom, quite possible, but i think she’ll not finish it because of crying. My older brother, uhmmm, i think he’ll be the last to know, i’ll even wish wish he’ll never know, i want him to go on with the beautiful things in this world and won’t have a single tear to shed even in a second and be sad and mourn, he had gone too much of the hardships of life, physically, spiritually and emotionally, i don’t even know that actually, i have known just a part of him, i wish i could see more because, shoot me, i’m still alive. So the last choice because i have already no choice at all, my little brother. Nah, he’s just the perfect person to do “the job”. He knows me well. How can i describe how much he knows me? It’s like the 95% of me is very familiar and very well recognized to him.
"MIND SHIT"
http://gaz-elle.tumblr.com/
Just like the Digestive system, as the mouth eats the food, the mind receives information from random phenomena. The food travels through the gastrointestinal tract, information is then transmitted through network of neurons. Food is digested and sterilized by the hydrochloric acid in the stomach, information is screened from most important to least. Nutrients are absorbed in the small intestine, the hypothalamic heart is reflecting. The colon molds a master piece, the mind is composing ideas. The anus excretes and everything goes down in a single flush. The hand with all forces combined forms words from letters, phrases from words, a complete sentence for you to understand the thought that will lead you to a paragraph of pure psyche. . . and so on. After all things said and done, "SUCCESS!". What you see is all shit.
